Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 28 December 2009

Midwinter Graces

one of the things i struggle with is grace. i have, as long as i can recall, been a graceless creature. clumsy, klutzy, tomboyish in just the wrong amount (i.e., not enough to be wild and attractive). uncoordinated, head-trapped, limb-heavy. i have the kinetic memory of a peanut. and that’s only a quick overview of my physical gracelessness. put me in a situation where i need to weigh my words carefully and it’s a sharp drop down into babbling incessant efforts at revision before i swallow my knee. if i could put my foot behind my head as well as i can put it in my mouth, i’d be one hella excited yogi. i prefer to do my dirty work via the written word – safer, easier to edit. i still manage to make nice messes for myself even in print – with men, with work, with friends, the list is endless.

i feel like so much of what i’m trying to accomplish revolves around finding grace within myself. can i move my body the way i want to? can i open and – more importantly – close my mouth? swimming, yoga, poetry, my readers’ listening gatherings, language study. and future goals: living abroad, flamenco dancing, sailing, teaching, translating. all aimed, at least in part, at discovering some fluidity in myself. i’m not sure what i’m chasing, but i feel this void, this lack. this absence of poise.

part of it is tied to social ideals. i can’t help wanting to be the pretty graceful girl who floats stylishly through a room. this is how girls are supposed to be, yes? i don’t know. i know i am not that girl, have never been that girl. is anyone that girl? i’m not sure, perhaps. we’ve all known that girl.

my friend Jason told me last night that i use the word “adult” often – something i was unaware of, but that i find interesting. and as i type away here, i think that part of the reason i don’t feel like an adult is because i feel so graceless still. i’m stubborn and defensive and it inhibits me. it’s very difficult not to think ‘if only i can have this one thing, everything will be perfect.’ often that one thing is a partner or a job or money… something somehow tangible. right now, in this moment of my life, that thing is grace. my big ‘if only’ that seems like the solver of all my problems. well that and teleportation. teleportation would be badass.

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Responses

  1. You have a graceful heart, a graceful soul. The rest comes with time for some. Better this than the other way round. x


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