Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 20 May 2010

Somewhere Beyond

i have had an incredibly difficult time of late. and really what i want to do is curl up in a very tiny ball in a very dark place and not come out. ever. however, employers and debt collectors would likely find me; i regret that this is not a viable option.

instead, i am trying to assess as best i can and learn what i am able to right now. this is a process that will evolve. i can already see things that i couldn’t see a month ago. man, intuition sucks when you don’t know enough to know that it’s your intuition and not your craziness kicking in.

so. my lesson for myself today: be with this. be with the pain of the lost memory of your future. be with the hurt of caring for someone who is too scared to reciprocate or offer honesty. be with the knowledge that your best wasn’t good enough because there never was a good enough. be with the shallowness of your breath and the tightness of your chest that will pass. be with today since the tomorrow you want will never exist and the days gone will not be remembered with the same joy.

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