Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 4 October 2010

starling you were right

this fall i’m continuing to over-pack my schedule and exist in a state of extreme instability. what does it say about me that i’m not sure anymore how to be still? my only still moments lately come on my yoga mat, and even then i don’t necessarily manage it for long. i can’t honestly say that i can tell anymore if it’s necessary/chosen momentum or sheer inertia. regardless, this is the path for now. i can slow down later, but i can’t stop now.

so a few of the things keeping me too busy to stop and think (or blog): finishing my copyediting certificate (done at the end of october!), getting a tefl certificate (done in december), taking spanish class (noncredit), taking class for my master’s (6/9), adjusting to working on religion & classics books and now adding facing-page translation series, looking for a new apartment, thinking about packing/moving. feeling overwhelmed and heartbroken and sad and angry and scared and tangled and defensive and odd and uprooted.

my grandmother, father, and i all received tribal acceptance last weekend – best birthday present ever! there is a provisional period. my grandmother has already gone through it, so she’s set now. my father and i will be full members this time next year. my grandmother has chosen to take the name Lightfoot. it’s an homage to family on her grandmother’s side. my father has chosen Lonewolf. i haven’t chosen yet. i’m waiting to get a package from my grandmother with some family documents. i’d like to chose something with a family tradition behind it. i’m likely to choose something bird-related. my choice will be subject to tribal approval. i’ve not yet decided, but am strongly leaning towards, legally adding to my name. perhaps altogether replacing my middle name, which i’ve never much liked. the biggest issue if i go this route is whether to use an English translation, the Cherokee transliteration, or to request Cherokee syllabary (probably not possible, but still). i think it will be worth whatever hassle it creates in my legal/financial life. names matter. carrying on a name, carrying a people, matters.

it is not accidental that, as i slip unmoored from everything that should ground me, i’m trying to hold on to something that cannot be taken away ever.

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