Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 28 January 2013

gifts

life has been feeling unwieldy and complicated. challenging, because i have several big projects and proposals at stake. i am excited and happy to be taking on more complex poetry pieces and my master’s thesis, oh plus my actual job and my yoga teaching and practicing. however, i am finding it difficult to prioritize and balance my time. this has historically not been an issue for me despite my ability to pack a squabillion and seven things in. what i’m struggling to sort, really since i came back from south america, is the social/school/writing time split. the social element is especially troubling for me.

as i’ve gotten older, i’ve become better able to articulate certain things about myself. in the past i’ve described myself as shy, a label that people have regularly scoffed at (fair enough, especially since a combination of a loud family and theatre training means i’m crap at “indoor voice”). i’m very social and get intensely implicated in the people in my life but am readily overwhelmed in group settings. this would be fine if it weren’t for the fact that 1) many of the people whom i’d like to spend time with are super busy and do their socializing at parties/concerts/events/etc and 2) i have more restrictions on my own time and can’t manage as much one-on-one time as i want.

there is nothing more important to me than the people i love. not my job. not books. not yoga. not writing. not even my health. i have and will push all of these things aside for someone else (and i don’t really mean a partner; my friends are vital to me). the gift of time spent together is the most valuable one i know of.

i’ll sort this wobbliness. my yoga practice has taught me that tripping over my own feet is sometimes essential to holding myself through space. there will be flailing. perhaps the most important and painful realization for me has been that i can only give to someone i love if there is an understanding and a reciprocity. that my own love remains undiminished, but may sometimes have nowhere to go. that no matter how much i miss someone or want to spend even more time with a person, sometimes it’s not mutual. and – the real tricky bit – that this does not demean me or my feelings. but i have to spend what little time i have well. every relationship, every moment, is a gift.

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