Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 22 April 2013

spring pre-cleansing

it’s been… a week. i’ve had a lot going on emotionally – this has been an april of extremes. at some point, after much more reflection, i may have more to say about Boston and the events surrounding this year’s Marathon. for now, i am pulling away from the circus and turning inward.

last year, i undertook my first ayurvedic cleanse. (if you’re curious, you can check the Ayurveda Boston website for info.) i’m still processing many of the lessons i gained from that experience. last week was the group, led cleanse. i made the decision to delay my own cleanse and to begin today. although it’s tough to fall out of step with the posse, i know that i made the right decision for my own well-being.

what i notice right away is that it’s easy to fall into a more contemplative place right now. i feel happy to be creating this bubble for myself. i also feel frustrated by the congestion i have, frustrated to be scaling back the protocol. but i will honor my illness and not push myself. it’s helping to give me a sense of having control again. for many reasons outside of my control, this month has been one in which i’ve had to grapple with the fear that comes from the inability to anticipate the negative and invasive actions that others can sometimes send into my life. i can only control so much. and the best i can do outside of that is to set myself up to be as safe as possible while remaining true to my beliefs. fortunately, i have had some very tangible proof that i am succeeding for the most part. this relationship between control and fear is a lot to think about. a lot to embody.

when i participated in this cleanse last year, i also spent a significant amount of time meditating and considering the fear in my life. i can’t help but do so again now. in some ways, i see that i’m able to assess myself better, to be more honest. it doesn’t necessarily translate into action in the ways i wish it would. today i am feeling how far i have to go, how much i hold myself back.

i’m getting ready now to make dinner, practice some self-care, and attend to some of the mundane tasks that felt too hard last week.

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