Posted by: birdmaddgirl | 13 June 2013

eternal student musings

i’ve been in school mostly for forever. i dual-majored in undergrad (BS & BA), got two graduate certificates, completed copyediting and TEFL certifications, did a 200-hour yoga teacher training. i’m nearing completion of my master’s and embarking on an MFA even as i attempt to write my thesis. the unavoidable question (accompanied by headshakes, horroreyes, and/or crinkledsmiles): why?

two things are undeniable: i love the classroom environment and am suited to the hoops of academia; i use it as a refuge and a crutch. do i genuinely adore learning? yes. am i avoiding making real decisions about my life by remaining in school? yes. knowing this, why indeed?

there’s another truth behind these truths. that a lot of the schooling i have done has been centered around giving myself lots of options and credentials. my family bit the education as uplift hook – at least, i did. i was talked out of following my heart. for years, i’ve talked myself out of trusting myself. it’s too scary, too much of a risk. there is no safety net if i fall. but i couldn’t get out of that orbit entirely, could never force myself to just settle into something for the sake of security.

so i am piling this MFA on because i need a push. because i am given only these days and i want to fill them and live them. because i am not quite brave enough to plunge but i think i am brave enough to soak. because all i ever wanted to be is a poet but not practical not photographable not probable not payable. because all i have ever been is a poet and it is tiresome this thrashing about on my own.

first day of poet school is next friday. i am using my privilege. i am taking a breath.

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Responses

  1. Hooray for taking a soak, and a breath 🙂 Can’t wait to see where you end up!


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